The (unmatched) sock is a lonely hunter

A note to all those lonely hearts out there:

Do not despair, for it could be worse. Consider the plight of the lonely sock.

The Corporation

Behind the scenes at "The Corporation":

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The interview:


*Disclaimer: The above cartoon should be considered fiction or hearsay and is presented solely for it's entertainment value to my readers. Any resemblance to any real people, companies, or events is purely coincidental.

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Tales of a Statistics Canada Enumerator...Part II

My days as an Enumator are now over. No, it was not a happy parting either; I quit the job. My reason was this: essentially many things I was told about the job in the interview were completely wrong/not true. Here is a sampling of the falsities that I encounterd:

Person interviewing me: the job will go until August 31, with the possibility that some employees may be retained later than that.
Subsequent truth: we are told during training that they are hoping to be entirely finished by August 1, and that the last possible day anyone would be working (i.e. it is over, pull the plug) would be August 15.

Interviewer: you will be working in the area that you live in.
Subsequent truth: all of my assignments were no where near where I live. My first assignment was a 15 minute drive from my place of residence.

Interviewer: your group leader will pick up your assignments and drop off new ones from your place of residence each day.
Subsequent truth: our group leader informs us that we are to meet him in the Wal Mart parking lot to exchange these materials (a 15 minute drive for me).

Interviewer: while you may have more success in catching people at home during some hours, the times that you work are set by you, as long as you work a minimum of 30 hours each week.
Subsequent truth: our group leader informs us that we are all to meet up with him at said Wal Mart parking lot each night at 5pm to start work, and then meet back there with him at 9:30pm.
So instead of individually determining our hours, we are to work 5-9:30 everyday.

I was not the only person misled in these things; the 11 people that I had training with were all told the same things during their interviews. Ones that I talked to were not happy about being misled.

On my first day when myself and about 15 others met our group leader in the Wal Mart parking lot some of us expressed dismay to him that we didn't feel properly trained to complete our tasks. Our training was about 2.5 hours long, a good portion of which consisted in filling out employment forms and our banking information so that we could be paid. He informed us that the regular training for our job is 2 days long, but since Statistics Canada was behind and in a rush to finish collecting all of the outstanding census forms, they did a mass-hiring of people, followed by a brief and extremely condensed training. WONDERFUL.

If this governmental organization is so disorganized in regards to their hiring and handling of their employees, how can I be sure that they will not do the same with my confidential and personal information that I filled out on my census form?

And it looks like my district is not the only one with problems:

This Vancouver Sun article talks about the opinions of some people that the census collection was disorganized and a 'screw-up'.

This former census enumerator talks about the abysmal pay system and how she was shorted on her pay.

Hmmm, could this be the same government that 'handled' the gun registry?

*Disclaimer: In regards to the above comments, I should point out that truth is a complete defence to liability in defamation. A person is always permitted to speak the truth about another, and that is what I have done above.

Mikeondolences on your heat stroke

In another post I previously documented last weekend, a.k.a. 'The Weekend of Fun'. However, not quite everything that weekend was full of jolly and merriment. The following is one grievance I had:

Imagine me on Friday at the Capital Ex fair. Then imagine temperatures in the low to mid 30's, and being outside for hours with not much shade. In this crazy flatland known as Edmonton, the sun doesn't set until quite late, and it really doesn't cool off much at night.
So in such temperature you can surmise that water would be an important asset to have. Anyone knows that on hot days when partaking in outdoor activities, it is essential to drink plenty of fluids.
So logically vendors at Capital Ex are charging $3.00 for one 500ml bottle of water (at least double the regular price).
Whatever. I know that as demand or need for something increases prices rise. And I also know that when you are a 'captive audience' in a closed off space such as a fair or a movie theatre to expect exorbitant prices for food and drinks. Going to such places, most everyone knows these things and can plan ahead for them.
However, I definitely did not expect the following circumstances...

During the day I was there the rock band Default was playing a concert. I decided to attend said concert. At this time temperatures are close to mid 30's and I am almost reduced to a puddle of sweat. A day in the direct sunshine had me feeling quite dehydrated. So I shell out my $3 to the vendor for a bottle of liquid gold (a.k.a. water) and get in line for the concert which is in a fenced off portion in one area of the Capital Ex fair. When I get to the front of the line and ready to enter the proceedings a security guard informs me that "you can't take any bottles in with you!"
Excuse me? Mid-30 temps in the scorching sun, and you are telling me that I can't bring the overpriced water that I just paid for from a Capital Ex vendor into a Capital Ex event?
She won't budge, so I take a few gulps of water and throw the remainder into the trash bucket near the entrance.
I walk through the entrance and what do I see immediately to my left? Yes, a Capital Ex vendor selling beverages, including $3 bottled water. So let me see, Capital Ex gates off an area so they can have a fair, within which they sell overpriced water. But then inside of this fenced-off area they have another fenced-off area within which you can't bring your overpriced water from the previous area, but you can buy a whole new bottle of overpriced water. To me that sounds crazier than snakes on a plane.
I would think on such a hot day the fair would be wanting to encourage hydration and drinking as many fluids as possible, in order to avoid dehydration or even sunstroke of their patrons. Yet instead it appears their only concern is squeezing as much money as possible out of the attendees to their fair.

As a contrast, the next day I attended a 54/40 concert on the grounds of the Edmonton Grand Prix. It had a similar setup, in that there was a fenced-off area within which the concert was taking place. The only difference was that there was no inane restrictions on bringing water into the event. I had a bottle of water in each hand upon entering the concert. In fact, the lead singer of 54/40 reminded the crowd a few times to make sure and have something to drink because of the heat.
See the difference? The coordinators of one event seem to be more concerned with the well-being of their customers, while the other seems to be concerned only with making another buck.

And if you are still left with any doubt as to what I say, 7 out of 9 scienticians agree with the above statements.

Help, please, for the love of god. Help me. This blogger has trapped me within his blog. This is not a joke, I am in dire need of assistance!
~ Man Trapped In Blog

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are...in my head.

Greetings readers!
It has been awhile since I have updated. It was a busy but extremely enjoyable weekend, meaning I haven't been near a computer. Here is a brief synopsis of my Friday, Saturday and Sunday:

Friday
I went to Edmonton's Capital Ex fair, which is similar to the Calgary Stampede. There was all the usual fair fare (ha!) here, such as rides, midway, entertainers, exhibits and such. I indulged in ice cream and mini donuts, which seem to be a requisite at fairs (much to the chagrin of my diet). Happily I was able to pass by the elephant ears and corn dogs (gross).
One of my favourite exhibits was put on by the Art Gallery of Alberta who had some amazing art displays. Later I tried my hand at a couple midway games (you know the ones where you end up spending $35 on a $2 stuffed animal). Near the end of the night I went to see the rock band Default play. I'm not the hugest fan of the whole Theory of a NickelDefault sound, but they put on a suprisingly good show. The night was finished off with a fireworks display. I don't care how old I get, I still appreciate fireworks as if I was 8.

Saturday
Up early at 8am to go to the Edmonton Grand Prix, featuring the Champ car racing circuit. The track was set up at the Edmonton airport and is quite a major event; attendance was 170,391 people for the three days at the JAGflo speedway. Things were quite expensive here, examples: $3 for water, $10 for programs, $6 for beer. Luckily I scored a corporate pass from a friend, and got to sit in the Rexall corporate suite where all drinks (including alcohol), programs, and food (put on by Sawmill, one of the nicer restaurants in Edmonton) were free. Seeing as how a normal ticket in the grandstands was $235 for the 3-day event, I shudder to think how much my ticket cost.
Friday was a hot day and Saturday was a scorcher as well, with the temperature at 35 degrees Celsius in the stands and hovering between 40 and 46 at points on the track. I consumed copious amounts of water, and am now sporting a nice red lobster "tan".
As for the specs on the actual Champ cars themselves: these amazing machines sport a turbocharged 2.65 L V8 engine putting out around 750 horsepower in a chassis that comes in at just over 1500lbs. The result is top speeds of approximately 240mph (390km). The price tag on these setups? It takes about $2 million to get into the Champ Car World Series, however many top flight teams spend from $5 million to $10 million annually. They put on a great show, and are one of those things that might seem boring on TV, but are extremely interesting/entertaining in person.
Another highlight was getting to finally see 54/40, who played at the Grand Prix. They are one of those bands that have been around forever, and you recognize almost all of their songs when you hear them on the radio. They put off some great energy and charisma and seem to have the live concert down pat.

Sunday
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"
"Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't."
"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions".

This is the event that I have been looking forward to all summer: Shakespeare in the Park. The festival takes place in the 1,100 seat Heritage Amphitheatre in Hawrelak Park, and this year they were performing Taming of the Shrew and Hamlet (I was attending the showing of the latter). The design of the stage and the venue means that the audience is in close proximity to the performers, who at times used the areas surrounding the audience. I thought this gave those of us watching a feeling of being contiguous with the play. These were all professional actors, and it showed, as everything was top notch. If you ever want the chance to enjoy some wholesome Elizabethan jokes or gruesome killings under the stars, I would highly recommend catching this next year.

As for me, I'm thoroughly worn out from all of this excitement. Off to bed...

Tender is the night

I took these last night from my patio.

Quicksand takes you down slowly

Tales of a Statistics Canada Enumerator...Part I

This week I went for my training with Statistics Canada. Very little was told to me about the actual job when I was called to come in for training. So you would think that first thing they would give us a brief description of the job? Government organizations are known for clarity and organization, right?
Wrong.
They first usher the 11 of us into a boardroom, with two binders (one black, one white), writing implements (one pen and one sharpened pencil) and a legal-sized envelope sitting in each place. A lady comes in, and instructs us to remove a "2006 Census of Canada Form 28I safety pamphlet" out of the envelope and read it over. She then leaves the room.
I take out the 7 page pamphlet and begin to read it. In the pamphlet there are several headings, such as "Making your car safe", "Driving", "Parking", "Using Public Transportation", "Using Emotional Self-Defence", "If You Are Confronted", with safety tips included under the headings.

Some sample tips:
-"Lock all articles, including confidential material, in the trunk". (ohhh, so I will be handling confidential materials, will I? What sort of job is this?)

-"When walking to your car, hold your keys in your fist. When leaving your car, put the passenger seat forward. This allows you to see anyone in your back seat. Before you get into your car, circle it and look for any obvious problems with flat tires, damaged headlamps or missing wiper blades. Any of these could leave you stranded on the highway. In underground parking lots, however, time is of the essence. Walk to your car with your keys in your fist, get in and drive out as quickly as possible." (People hiding in my back seats? Time is of the essence? This is some serious confidential information. I wonder what it could be?)

-"If you are attacked by an individual who appears to be unarmed and is obviously determined to injure you, yell loudly. Aim for vital parts. Gouge with keys or thumb and scratch with fingernails. If attacked from behind, kick down onto the instep of the attacker, kick at the shins or grab any finger and bend it backwards." (Apparently it is serious enough to be attacked over)

-"Park in an unblocked lane or driveway which could provide a quick exit if necessary." (Confidential information, individuals determined to injure you, quick getaways. There could be only one explanation what type of job this is: international spy! That has to be it! An international spy, handling impossible missions maybe? Something like.....this:

Hmmm, wait. Not glamorous enough. Plus Tom Cruise has sullied the whole Mission Impossible franchise. I'm thinking something a bit more suave. Something with slick suits. And fast cars. Fast women. The Canadian Government must be hiring me for a job such as this:

Let's see what other safety tips they have for the new Canadian James Bond)

-"When stepping off a bus at night, check to see if you are being followed. If you think you are, cross the street, If you are still being followed, go to the nearest home, service station or store. Call the police." (BUS? Are you kidding me? James Bond rides on no bus. Even if his Aston Martin was in the shop, Q. would have him some other fancy wheels as a loaner. Okay, maybe some flunky in the Canadian government added in this tip in by accident. We'll let it pass)

-"Walk with an air of determination and authority and always look around you. Timid people make easier targets." (No one needs to remind 007 against being timid. Just ask the ladies. This tip must be another oversight)

-"If you are attacked, yell and run to the nearest lit residence or business. Cries for help have often discouraged attackers." (Running away? Cries for help? Okay definitely not a James Bond thing to do. Could I have been too quick to assume?)

At this point, the person in charge of training comes back, and I am snapped out of my dream. She quickly crushes my dreams of international espionage and informs us that we are training to become a "Non-response follow up enumerator" (can I call it a "Non-response? F.U.!!! Enumerator, for short?)

Basically, the job stems from the fact that Statistics Canada has list of all of the people that did not complete their census forms (from the May 16th Canada-wide census) for whatever reasons. And so they attempt to call these people to get them to complete the forms. If Stats Can do not have a phone number for the individual, or if they do not get an answer, next they send an NRFU to go to the house and complete the form with the individual. Or attempt to get them to complete the form. Though by law, all Canadian citizens are required to take part in the census. The maximum penalty for not filling out a census form, or for providing false information, is a $500 fine and/or three months in prison.
So basically, that is it. Scrap the Aston Martins, Martinis and British accents and bring on the clipboard and census forms.

And until next time dear reader, stay tuned for tales of a Statistics Canada Enumerator!....(fade to my theme music).
Yes, cue the cheesy theme-music. If I don't get to be a secret spy, I at the very least want some theme music.

FYI...

Today's installment of photographic levity:

My Summer of Sloth

The disinclination for exertion or work has ended. Well not ended, but I couldn't bypass it for the entire summer. And as such, the S.S. Sloth is sadly leaving the harbor.
Yes, that means I got a J.O.B. today.
So with remorse I waved good-bye to 11pm wakeups. Likewise, to eating breakfast in my pajamas at noon. Same for 1pm MSN chats. And no more 2pm internet surfing. And the most sad realization was that I will miss all of my soap oper --- uhhh, nevermind.




So Monday I will be joining the ranks of the working class, as an enumerator for Census Canada.
Aside from the above reservations, I am excited for the job, and I'm looking forward to the extra spending money.

See all you working stiffs Monday morning at 8am!

Relocation 101

So as I type this, I sit here and stare at piles upon piles of boxes. No, it isn't Christmas time, I have moved. Moving is one of those things that you forget how painful and overall unpleasant it is until you are actually in the midst of the activity. And apparently in my 27 years I have managed to collect a good portion of belongings, mostly of the heavy variety.
So what I found facing me was a job of daunting proportions: to move all of my crap to my new apartment near the university area, on a hot summer day, while dodging traffic and pedestrians on a busy Canada Day, all without causing myself to crumble into fits of insanity. Oh and I forgot to mention I am on the third floor, and my new building has no elevator.

Lack of an elevator = blood (well not so much of that), sweat (moving in the summer increases this exponentially), and tears (when did I decide that I needed so many g.d. books?).

However dear reader, there is a happy ending. With indefatigable zeal I humped those boxes up and down the stairs. One after another. And now here they sit.

And now here I sit, three pounds lighter. That is right, sans trois pounds! When it struck me as a great idea for my next business: Edmonton Weight Loss & Moving Company. That is right. All of these diet centers popping up nowadays and people getting mediocre results. Well no more. Those desiring to lose weight come to me and enter my program ($200 sign-up fee). Those desiring to move and in need of movers come to me seeking my moving expertise (price varies depending on size of home). I then match up the two groups.
Instead of starving yourself and going on cabbage diets, or whatever the current fad is, you bust your ass moving other people's furniture. At the end you are rewarded with a real weight loss and also a sense of accomplishment. Three pounds ladies and gentlemen; it worked for me.
This is a real and actual picture of my company's new moving van* :

So the next time you go to the grocery store and see all of the cans of SlimFast on the shelves unpurchased, or drive past a gym and see the parking lot empty, do not be surprised. This just means that the populace has joined the wave of the future: Edmonton Weight Loss & Moving.

* I have had people asking if the picture of the moving truck is actually an artistic rendering by the likes of Van Gogh or Michelangelo. While I can see how the untrained eye might be fooled, I must reiterate that no: an artistic genius did not compose the picture, it is an actual photograph of my moving company truck.

Gulliver's travels

I just arrived back to Alberta after attending Tyler's wedding on sunday. Great time.
Well, except for the flying part. Not a real fan of the flying thing. And why is it that as I'm getting a lift to the airport I always read about airline tradgedies? Five minutes from check-in and I open up the newspaper directly to this story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/5162082.stm about 150 people dying in a plane crash. At this point I'm crossing my fingers that Westjet has better quality control in their airplanes than the particular S7 Airlines Airbus in Siberia. Thankfully, I am not writing this entry from the great beyond.

So next I proceed to the check-in and get asked the two most annoying questions:

"Did you pack your bags yourself and are you aware of the contents of your bags?"
"Did you leave your bags unattended at any time?"

Obviously, since anyone could just lie, the questions alone won't catch someone who has planned to bring something dangerous on the plane. Or would they?

WestJet Check-in agent: Did you pack your bags yourself and are you aware of the contents of your bags?
Traveler: Yes ma'am. Just a pair of clothes, a book and a bomb. I mean, not a bomb. A toothbrush, not a bomb!
WestJet Check-in agent: AH-HAH! Foiled again!

Or maybe the questions are meant to find dangerous items that have been placed with innocent travelers?

WestJet Check-in agent: Did you leave your bags unattended at any time?
Traveler: I don't believe so. Oh wait, maybe. I did leave my bag for a few hours while I was touring that Nuclear facility in North Korea. On returning it seemed to be a bit heavier, but I didn't think anything of it. Next, I did have that vacation in Colombia, where I asked the Cali Cartel to look after my bag for a bit. And oh wait, there was that brief jaunt to the ghettos of Detroit where I left my bag on the bus and then found it four hours later. But that nice group of gangbangers assured me that they weren't stowing their contraband and weapons in it. I haven't really checked it since those places, but I'm sure everything is fine.
WestJet Check-in agent: Well that seems reasonable to me. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe I will give it a quick check.

In reality, there is a reason the two questions were first adopted. In 1986, a security guard for the Israeli airline El Al questioned a pregnant Irish woman at London's Heathrow Airport and discovered her Jordanian fiancee had duped her into carrying a bomb onto an Israeli jet.
However, what started as meaningful has become essentially irrelevant. In the United States and Canada, the questions were reduced to two and people (such as Westjet check in people) were never trained to interrogate passengers properly. If the questions were being utilized properly, a trained interrogator would ask some simple queries while looking for reasons to ask further questions, such as shiftiness or conflicting responses. Now you get the desultory way the check in people ask the two questions, as if it were a rote stupid task to get through. Internationally, the security people ask the questions and they do the unnerving stare-into-your-eyes thing when they ask. This makes the person end up feeling guilty even when they don't have a contraband salami.
I'm not advocating interogations, but I am advocating scrapping the two questions if they are going to be used in the manner that they currently are.

Einstein's Theory of Infidelity

The Independent (UK)

Einstein's theory of infidelity
By Arifa Akbar
Published: 11 July 2006

Albert Einstein has been revealed as a charismatic flirt and philanderer who liked to describe his extramarital affairs to his second wife and stepdaughter. A series of 1,300 letters written by the physicist were published for the first time yesterday. They are part of a batch of 3,500 bequeathed to the Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The letters, translated from German, portray Einstein as a heartbreaker who in one letter tells his long-suffering wife, Elsa, how some women shower him with "unwanted" affection. In another he asks his stepdaughter, Margot, to discreetly deliver a love note to his Russian lover. He was reputed to have been a charmer who bewitched Marilyn Monroe, and had 10 lovers outside of two marriages.
These letters, kept by Margot, and released two decades after her death on 8 July 1986 on her instruction, illuminate how Einstein spent little time at home, instead lecturing in Europe and the US, but wrote about his amorous adventures to his family. Previously released letters have revealed how miserable he was in his first marriage to Mileva Maric, whom he divorced in 1919, to marry his cousin, Elsa.
In the letters, the professor describes six women whom he romanced and spent time sailing, reading, and attending concerts with, while being married to Elsa. Some of the women identified by Einstein include Estella, Ethel, Toni, and his famous "Russian spy lover", Margarita, while others are referred to simply by their initials, such as M and L. In one letter to Margot, Einstein asks his stepdaughter to pass on "a little letter" to Margarita "to avoid providing curious eyes with tidbits". In another from Oxford, dated 1931, he writes about the ardent nature of some of his lovers who pursued him relentlessly, showering him with gifts, including Ethel Michanowski, a 30-year-old Berlin socialite who was involved with Einstein in the late 1920s and early 1930s, and chased him to England. Michanowski is mentioned in three of the newly unsealed letters including one in which he writes: "It is true that M followed me [to England] and her chasing after me is getting out of control. But firstly I could hardly avoid it, and secondly, when I see her again, I will tell her that she should vanish immediately. Out of all the dames, I am in fact attached only to Mrs L, who is absolutely harmless and decent."
In one correspondence to Elsa, he insensitively writes about Mrs M, who accompanied him on his trip abroad. "Mrs M definitely acted according to the best Christian-Jewish ethics: 1) one should do what one enjoys and what won't harm anyone else; and 2) one should refrain from doing things one does not take delight in and which annoy another person. Because of 1) she came with me, and because of 2) she didn't tell you a word. Isn't that irreproachable?" he writes.
Hanoch Gutfreund, chairman of the Albert Einstein Worldwide Exhibition, said while Einstein's marriage to Elsa was best described as a "marriage of convenience," he nevertheless wrote to her almost every day with descriptions of lecturing in Europe and his efforts to give up smoking, as well as detail of his mistresses. In 1921, he wrote a postcard to her about the nature of scientific discovery, saying: "Soon I'll be fed up with the [theory of] relativity Elsa. Even such a thing fades away when one is too involved with it."
Einstein's harsh treatment of his first wife, Mileva, has been documented in biographies since his death, and he has been portrayed as an indifferent father. But Professor Gutfreund said the latest collection showed Einstein to have been warmer to his first family than previously thought, and letters written by his two sons from his first marriage showed "they understood he loved them".
The letters dated from 1912 until 1955, when Einstein died at the age of 76- nearly two decades after Elsa's death - also reveal how he lost much of his Nobel Prize money from 1921 in the Great Depression. Under the terms of his divorce from Mileva, the entire sum was supposed to have been deposited into a Swiss bank account, from which Mileva was to draw for her and the couple's two sons, Hans Albert and Eduard, but the new correspondence show she invested most of it in America, where much of it was lost after the Wall Street crash of 1929.

Childhood memories

http://www.transformersmovie.com/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418279/

On of my very favourite childhood TV cartoons is being transformed (ha!) onto the big screen next year. Michael Bay (The Rock, Bad Boys, Pearl Harbor) is directing and Steven Spielberg is producing the Transformers picture. So it sounds like it will be typical Bay summer crap like the rest of his big-name Hollywood movies, and consequently, one of my childhood memories will be ruined.
Here is my proposition for the movie: Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Starscream, Megatron, Galvatron, Soundwave, Devastator and Bonecrusher all join forces (oh and don't forget the Dinobots: "Grimlock Smash!") and kick the crap out of Michael Bay, Steven Spielberg and their disappointing and hackneyed Hollywood script. I'm thinking a few kicks to the throat and a stomp to the head will be sufficient to keep these morons from ruining another childhood favourite of mine.
Transformers and Fraggle Rock are off limits. Feel free to have She-Ra or Carebears though.