Tales of a Statistics Canada Enumerator...Part I

This week I went for my training with Statistics Canada. Very little was told to me about the actual job when I was called to come in for training. So you would think that first thing they would give us a brief description of the job? Government organizations are known for clarity and organization, right?
Wrong.
They first usher the 11 of us into a boardroom, with two binders (one black, one white), writing implements (one pen and one sharpened pencil) and a legal-sized envelope sitting in each place. A lady comes in, and instructs us to remove a "2006 Census of Canada Form 28I safety pamphlet" out of the envelope and read it over. She then leaves the room.
I take out the 7 page pamphlet and begin to read it. In the pamphlet there are several headings, such as "Making your car safe", "Driving", "Parking", "Using Public Transportation", "Using Emotional Self-Defence", "If You Are Confronted", with safety tips included under the headings.

Some sample tips:
-"Lock all articles, including confidential material, in the trunk". (ohhh, so I will be handling confidential materials, will I? What sort of job is this?)

-"When walking to your car, hold your keys in your fist. When leaving your car, put the passenger seat forward. This allows you to see anyone in your back seat. Before you get into your car, circle it and look for any obvious problems with flat tires, damaged headlamps or missing wiper blades. Any of these could leave you stranded on the highway. In underground parking lots, however, time is of the essence. Walk to your car with your keys in your fist, get in and drive out as quickly as possible." (People hiding in my back seats? Time is of the essence? This is some serious confidential information. I wonder what it could be?)

-"If you are attacked by an individual who appears to be unarmed and is obviously determined to injure you, yell loudly. Aim for vital parts. Gouge with keys or thumb and scratch with fingernails. If attacked from behind, kick down onto the instep of the attacker, kick at the shins or grab any finger and bend it backwards." (Apparently it is serious enough to be attacked over)

-"Park in an unblocked lane or driveway which could provide a quick exit if necessary." (Confidential information, individuals determined to injure you, quick getaways. There could be only one explanation what type of job this is: international spy! That has to be it! An international spy, handling impossible missions maybe? Something like.....this:

Hmmm, wait. Not glamorous enough. Plus Tom Cruise has sullied the whole Mission Impossible franchise. I'm thinking something a bit more suave. Something with slick suits. And fast cars. Fast women. The Canadian Government must be hiring me for a job such as this:

Let's see what other safety tips they have for the new Canadian James Bond)

-"When stepping off a bus at night, check to see if you are being followed. If you think you are, cross the street, If you are still being followed, go to the nearest home, service station or store. Call the police." (BUS? Are you kidding me? James Bond rides on no bus. Even if his Aston Martin was in the shop, Q. would have him some other fancy wheels as a loaner. Okay, maybe some flunky in the Canadian government added in this tip in by accident. We'll let it pass)

-"Walk with an air of determination and authority and always look around you. Timid people make easier targets." (No one needs to remind 007 against being timid. Just ask the ladies. This tip must be another oversight)

-"If you are attacked, yell and run to the nearest lit residence or business. Cries for help have often discouraged attackers." (Running away? Cries for help? Okay definitely not a James Bond thing to do. Could I have been too quick to assume?)

At this point, the person in charge of training comes back, and I am snapped out of my dream. She quickly crushes my dreams of international espionage and informs us that we are training to become a "Non-response follow up enumerator" (can I call it a "Non-response? F.U.!!! Enumerator, for short?)

Basically, the job stems from the fact that Statistics Canada has list of all of the people that did not complete their census forms (from the May 16th Canada-wide census) for whatever reasons. And so they attempt to call these people to get them to complete the forms. If Stats Can do not have a phone number for the individual, or if they do not get an answer, next they send an NRFU to go to the house and complete the form with the individual. Or attempt to get them to complete the form. Though by law, all Canadian citizens are required to take part in the census. The maximum penalty for not filling out a census form, or for providing false information, is a $500 fine and/or three months in prison.
So basically, that is it. Scrap the Aston Martins, Martinis and British accents and bring on the clipboard and census forms.

And until next time dear reader, stay tuned for tales of a Statistics Canada Enumerator!....(fade to my theme music).
Yes, cue the cheesy theme-music. If I don't get to be a secret spy, I at the very least want some theme music.