Rules of the Gym
I see so many dipsticks at my local gym everyday that it is a small miracle the dubious combination of machines, heavy weights and small brain-power hasn't led to more tragic accidents. It is truly by the grace of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky that I don't see daily bone-breaking, decapitations, and impalements. And that fact that I don't see these happening in my gym on a regular basis is probably also the single greatest argument against natural selection.
Rather than allowing my blood pressue to skyrocket as I watch this circus unfold in front of my eyes, I am putting finger to keyboard and creating a list of "dont's" for the gym, otherwise knows as etiquette for those taking part in exercise at MY gym (yes, the strong emphasis of the word 'my' denotes that I do in fact own the gym. Not in reality, but solely in my own mind. And self-appointed ownership in a person's own mind is actually the highest form of ownership in the world. Honest. Here, try it today: walk up to a local bank and BELIEVE in your mind that you own it. Then to test the results, go in and tell the bank teller that all the money there is yours, and you want it 'RIGHT NOW!'. They might be a bit confused, so it is best to use the most aggressive and assertive tone possible to properly convey your message. You will thank me later).
After I am done compiling this list, I will hit my print button, take all the copies and pin them to the foreheads of each individual at my gym. An optional tattoo booth will be set up outside, so the rules can be more permanently affixed to the person's person (tee hee).
Ready for them? Good, here we go:
-DON'T THROW THE WEIGHTS AFTER YOUR SET
I always see some goof ball doing dumbbell presses or another similar exercise, and then after his last set he will toss the weights to the side, making a huge racket, and generally annoying everyone within a radius of 5 kilometers. Does he really need to "shot-put" the dumbbells after he finishes his set? If you still have the energy to turn the weights into projectiles, chances are you didn't work hard enough that last set.
-NO, IT IS NOT A SPRINT
Last week I am on the elliptical machine chugging along, and this super-cool awesome guy hops onto the machine and starts thrashing as fast as he possibly can on it - for oh, maybe a little over a minute - and then hops off.
You know the scene from Lost in Translation, where Bill Murray's character is stuck on the elliptical machine and going Mach-10? Where he is calling for help and then finally manages to half-jump off of it before injuring himself? That was this guy down to a tee.
Unless he was training for the 100-meter spring in the Elliptical Olympics, I'm pretty sure that super-cool awesome guy at my gym was accomplishing nothing other than making himself look silly. No sorry, the girls weren't impressed.
-NO, YOU ARE NOT AT A NIGHTCLUB
Don't be the loud girl! Everyone knows of the loud girl. The one who goes out and due to a need for attention has to talk several decibels above acceptable conversation volume; the one who has to laugh hysterically at everything, even if it isn't funny; and the one who generally hoots and hollers and makes a huge deal out of anything she can come across (again, because this sad individual craves attention, and feels that as the volume of her voice rises, the favourable attention directed her way increases). Well the loud girl is barely acceptable at a loud party, and at a gym is just downright a disaster.
Yet the other day there is a group of three people working out together, one of whom is 'the loud girl'. I immediately turned up the volume on my Ipod in an effort to avoid the grating and unpleasant excessive noise that was coming from her direction. It was no use, I could still hear loud laughter and cackling, so I turn up the Ipod more. At 3/4 volume on the Ipod I can still make out an inharmonious dissonance, and then I look over to see her dancing and prancing about.
Would dropping a 100lb. Dumbbell on someone's throat be deemed an accident?
-DON'T LEAVE EQUIPMENT LYING AROUND AFTER YOU ARE DONE WITH IT
If I have to trip over one more dumbbell that was left out, or unload another machine in order to use it because the last person decided it wasn't worth their time, I am going to go Snakes on a Plane. However, I have come up with a plan to combat this nonsense. Next time I see someone not putting away their workout equipment I will make note of it. Next I will find out where they live. Then I will sneak into their house, do some cooking (oops! I burnt something to the frying pan), and leave every ingredient and kitchen utensil out for them to clean up when they get home.
-GOD MADE FIG LEAFS TO COVER UP YOUR NAKEDNESS
Naked grandpas are not appealing to the eyes. In fact, recent studies show that observing naked grandpas has led to a loss of eyesight in some patients. It is with this in mind that I make a plea to all you naked grandpas out there to cover the hell up when you are in the change room. Nothing horrifies me more than washing my hands in the bathroom and seeing a trio of 65-year old naked grandpas walking towards the shower. The wrinkles, the sag, the leathery craggy skin....COVER THAT UP!
New rule for the Men's locker room: Unless you are between the ages of 19 and 27 and are a female, I want to see at least a towel around your waist until you get to the shower.
Yesterday I am in the locker room splashing some cold water on my face after a good workout when 70 year old overweight and naked grandpa comes strolling over to use the urinal. Of course like any senior citizen he has to finish up his use of the public urinal with a loud bout of flautlence. So not only has he assaulted my retinas, he is now going to commit atrocities to my sense of smell. And let me tell you, that he did. I would rate the magnitude of his intestinal release as something that could double for the scene at the end of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' where the souls come pouring out of the ark and melt all the Nazis' faces off. ("DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES!")
Another cup of awkward please.
Well there are many other guidelines and broken rules I could talk about (the infrequent use of deodorant, illegal fashion, the lubrication of gym equipment from those with over-active sweat glands) but I think this is a good start.
And in case any of you are still in doubt about what I have said, know that 8 out of 9 scienticians agree with the above comments.
Rather than allowing my blood pressue to skyrocket as I watch this circus unfold in front of my eyes, I am putting finger to keyboard and creating a list of "dont's" for the gym, otherwise knows as etiquette for those taking part in exercise at MY gym (yes, the strong emphasis of the word 'my' denotes that I do in fact own the gym. Not in reality, but solely in my own mind. And self-appointed ownership in a person's own mind is actually the highest form of ownership in the world. Honest. Here, try it today: walk up to a local bank and BELIEVE in your mind that you own it. Then to test the results, go in and tell the bank teller that all the money there is yours, and you want it 'RIGHT NOW!'. They might be a bit confused, so it is best to use the most aggressive and assertive tone possible to properly convey your message. You will thank me later).
After I am done compiling this list, I will hit my print button, take all the copies and pin them to the foreheads of each individual at my gym. An optional tattoo booth will be set up outside, so the rules can be more permanently affixed to the person's person (tee hee).
Ready for them? Good, here we go:
-DON'T THROW THE WEIGHTS AFTER YOUR SET
I always see some goof ball doing dumbbell presses or another similar exercise, and then after his last set he will toss the weights to the side, making a huge racket, and generally annoying everyone within a radius of 5 kilometers. Does he really need to "shot-put" the dumbbells after he finishes his set? If you still have the energy to turn the weights into projectiles, chances are you didn't work hard enough that last set.
-NO, IT IS NOT A SPRINT
Last week I am on the elliptical machine chugging along, and this super-cool awesome guy hops onto the machine and starts thrashing as fast as he possibly can on it - for oh, maybe a little over a minute - and then hops off.
You know the scene from Lost in Translation, where Bill Murray's character is stuck on the elliptical machine and going Mach-10? Where he is calling for help and then finally manages to half-jump off of it before injuring himself? That was this guy down to a tee.
Unless he was training for the 100-meter spring in the Elliptical Olympics, I'm pretty sure that super-cool awesome guy at my gym was accomplishing nothing other than making himself look silly. No sorry, the girls weren't impressed.
-NO, YOU ARE NOT AT A NIGHTCLUB
Don't be the loud girl! Everyone knows of the loud girl. The one who goes out and due to a need for attention has to talk several decibels above acceptable conversation volume; the one who has to laugh hysterically at everything, even if it isn't funny; and the one who generally hoots and hollers and makes a huge deal out of anything she can come across (again, because this sad individual craves attention, and feels that as the volume of her voice rises, the favourable attention directed her way increases). Well the loud girl is barely acceptable at a loud party, and at a gym is just downright a disaster.
Yet the other day there is a group of three people working out together, one of whom is 'the loud girl'. I immediately turned up the volume on my Ipod in an effort to avoid the grating and unpleasant excessive noise that was coming from her direction. It was no use, I could still hear loud laughter and cackling, so I turn up the Ipod more. At 3/4 volume on the Ipod I can still make out an inharmonious dissonance, and then I look over to see her dancing and prancing about.
Would dropping a 100lb. Dumbbell on someone's throat be deemed an accident?
-DON'T LEAVE EQUIPMENT LYING AROUND AFTER YOU ARE DONE WITH IT
If I have to trip over one more dumbbell that was left out, or unload another machine in order to use it because the last person decided it wasn't worth their time, I am going to go Snakes on a Plane. However, I have come up with a plan to combat this nonsense. Next time I see someone not putting away their workout equipment I will make note of it. Next I will find out where they live. Then I will sneak into their house, do some cooking (oops! I burnt something to the frying pan), and leave every ingredient and kitchen utensil out for them to clean up when they get home.
-GOD MADE FIG LEAFS TO COVER UP YOUR NAKEDNESS
Naked grandpas are not appealing to the eyes. In fact, recent studies show that observing naked grandpas has led to a loss of eyesight in some patients. It is with this in mind that I make a plea to all you naked grandpas out there to cover the hell up when you are in the change room. Nothing horrifies me more than washing my hands in the bathroom and seeing a trio of 65-year old naked grandpas walking towards the shower. The wrinkles, the sag, the leathery craggy skin....COVER THAT UP!
New rule for the Men's locker room: Unless you are between the ages of 19 and 27 and are a female, I want to see at least a towel around your waist until you get to the shower.
Yesterday I am in the locker room splashing some cold water on my face after a good workout when 70 year old overweight and naked grandpa comes strolling over to use the urinal. Of course like any senior citizen he has to finish up his use of the public urinal with a loud bout of flautlence. So not only has he assaulted my retinas, he is now going to commit atrocities to my sense of smell. And let me tell you, that he did. I would rate the magnitude of his intestinal release as something that could double for the scene at the end of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' where the souls come pouring out of the ark and melt all the Nazis' faces off. ("DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES!")
Another cup of awkward please.
Well there are many other guidelines and broken rules I could talk about (the infrequent use of deodorant, illegal fashion, the lubrication of gym equipment from those with over-active sweat glands) but I think this is a good start.
And in case any of you are still in doubt about what I have said, know that 8 out of 9 scienticians agree with the above comments.
posted by Kwazer at 11:19 AM
1 Comments:
We put those old heffers out to pasture.
*ducks, runs, and hides*
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