Ghost on the Machine and The Urinal Code
Ghost on the Machine
So I'm at the gym the other day, and about to go do some cardio on the elliptical trainer (some call this piece of equipment a cardio glider, some call it a gazelle. Since I am always right, of course, these names are incorrect). The cardio section at my gym is on a second level above the weight section. As I'm climbing the stairs I look over at the row of ellipticals, and see one girl on one of them, and the rest empty. But the empty elliptical next to her is moving! I'm like, "whuh...what is going on here? Is there a friggin' ghost driving that elliptical? Did I 'accidentally' put acid in my water bottle again?"
Then I get closer, and it looks like someone let their little 5-year old kid on the cardio machine. And then I look harder, and I realize it is a midget. She could barely reach the bottom parts of the handles, but she was just going hard onthe machine; her little arms and legs pumping up and down like pistons.
Now I'm normally not so insensitive, but I truly had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing. It just looked so...cute.
I bet God/ Allah/ TheOne/ BigGuyUpstairs/ FlyingSpaghettiMonster* is now wishing they had struck me down during the rainstorm yesterday.
*
The Urinal Code
Today comes along and I get even more drama and excitement on the elliptical. I walk up the stairs, half expecting to see Elvis or Xeno on one of the cardio machines, but instead I am greeted by an empty row of machines. Thus I have the happy prospect of selecting any machine I want to use. I hop on an elliptical at the far end of the rows and start chugging away.
Not two minutes later an older gentleman, who I will refer to as The Hairy and Smelly Beast (named, no doubt, after his appearance and his unfavourable aroma) walks up the stairs to the cardio section. Instead of choosing any of the other of the dozens of machines that are not situated directly beside me, The H&SB hops onto the machine closest to myself.
I think now would be a good time to refresh ourselves on the "urinal code". You see, in men's public washrooms there is an unwritten code. It goes something like this: if there is someone peeing at a urinal, you - if all possible - use a urinal that is not directly beside this person. For example, picture your local tavern. You've had one too many Dr. Pepper soda pops (because we know my responsible readers shun alcoholic beverages and any tomfoolery associated with their consumption), so you decide to head to the washroom. In the particular men's washroom at this tavern there is four urinals in a row. However, urinal #1 is being occupied by another gentleman (who coincidentally, is another responsible person and has been consuming Ginger Ale). So what options does that leave you with? The situation quickly prompts your memory to recall the urinal code, and you realize that it would be impolite to pee at the urinal directly beside this gentleman. So therefore, urinal #2 is not an option. Since urinal #3 and #4 are both available, then either one of those would be a fine choice to use.
Now exceptions to this rule are situations where there is only 2 urinals available, or there is no 'buffer' available because there are two or more other gentleman peeing (using the above example to illustrate this scenario: urinal #1 and #3 would be taken, so you would have no choice but to pee beside someone else). Do not fret, when one of these exceptions arise, it is perfectly acceptable to break the urinal code. BUT ONLY IN THESE SITUATIONS.
Now back to my story. The same "urinal code" applies at the gym when dealing with two males. If there is another open cardio machine, you take that one instead of using the one directly beside me.
*Note that this rule does not apply to females. Females are always welcome to work out or pee directly beside me.
So when H&SB gets onto the machine directly beside me, when he has a choice of any other cardio machine in the entire gym, he is not only breaking "the code" he is causing a Grand Canyon-sized rupture in "the code".
So as a result, I had to handle 15 minutes of direct proximity to hairy, sweaty beast, who thought it would be good practice to cough and clear his throat every few moments. Tomorrow I'll be back with a gym do's and don't list for you to print and hand out to all patrons at your local gym, so you never have to be a victim to The H&SB.
So I'm at the gym the other day, and about to go do some cardio on the elliptical trainer (some call this piece of equipment a cardio glider, some call it a gazelle. Since I am always right, of course, these names are incorrect). The cardio section at my gym is on a second level above the weight section. As I'm climbing the stairs I look over at the row of ellipticals, and see one girl on one of them, and the rest empty. But the empty elliptical next to her is moving! I'm like, "whuh...what is going on here? Is there a friggin' ghost driving that elliptical? Did I 'accidentally' put acid in my water bottle again?"
Then I get closer, and it looks like someone let their little 5-year old kid on the cardio machine. And then I look harder, and I realize it is a midget. She could barely reach the bottom parts of the handles, but she was just going hard onthe machine; her little arms and legs pumping up and down like pistons.
Now I'm normally not so insensitive, but I truly had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing. It just looked so...cute.
I bet God/ Allah/ TheOne/ BigGuyUpstairs/ FlyingSpaghettiMonster* is now wishing they had struck me down during the rainstorm yesterday.
*
The Urinal Code
Today comes along and I get even more drama and excitement on the elliptical. I walk up the stairs, half expecting to see Elvis or Xeno on one of the cardio machines, but instead I am greeted by an empty row of machines. Thus I have the happy prospect of selecting any machine I want to use. I hop on an elliptical at the far end of the rows and start chugging away.
Not two minutes later an older gentleman, who I will refer to as The Hairy and Smelly Beast (named, no doubt, after his appearance and his unfavourable aroma) walks up the stairs to the cardio section. Instead of choosing any of the other of the dozens of machines that are not situated directly beside me, The H&SB hops onto the machine closest to myself.
I think now would be a good time to refresh ourselves on the "urinal code". You see, in men's public washrooms there is an unwritten code. It goes something like this: if there is someone peeing at a urinal, you - if all possible - use a urinal that is not directly beside this person. For example, picture your local tavern. You've had one too many Dr. Pepper soda pops (because we know my responsible readers shun alcoholic beverages and any tomfoolery associated with their consumption), so you decide to head to the washroom. In the particular men's washroom at this tavern there is four urinals in a row. However, urinal #1 is being occupied by another gentleman (who coincidentally, is another responsible person and has been consuming Ginger Ale). So what options does that leave you with? The situation quickly prompts your memory to recall the urinal code, and you realize that it would be impolite to pee at the urinal directly beside this gentleman. So therefore, urinal #2 is not an option. Since urinal #3 and #4 are both available, then either one of those would be a fine choice to use.
Now exceptions to this rule are situations where there is only 2 urinals available, or there is no 'buffer' available because there are two or more other gentleman peeing (using the above example to illustrate this scenario: urinal #1 and #3 would be taken, so you would have no choice but to pee beside someone else). Do not fret, when one of these exceptions arise, it is perfectly acceptable to break the urinal code. BUT ONLY IN THESE SITUATIONS.
Now back to my story. The same "urinal code" applies at the gym when dealing with two males. If there is another open cardio machine, you take that one instead of using the one directly beside me.
*Note that this rule does not apply to females. Females are always welcome to work out or pee directly beside me.
So when H&SB gets onto the machine directly beside me, when he has a choice of any other cardio machine in the entire gym, he is not only breaking "the code" he is causing a Grand Canyon-sized rupture in "the code".
So as a result, I had to handle 15 minutes of direct proximity to hairy, sweaty beast, who thought it would be good practice to cough and clear his throat every few moments. Tomorrow I'll be back with a gym do's and don't list for you to print and hand out to all patrons at your local gym, so you never have to be a victim to The H&SB.
posted by Kwazer at 8:04 PM
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