"I'm not drinking any apostrophe-ampersand-at-number-sign Merlot!"

The other night I watched the magnificent movie, "Sideways" for probably the dozenth time. Though this time I listened with the commentary of the two main actors, Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church, turned on. I am glad I did. The pair have an unmistakeable chemistry and this translates into the commentary which at times is hilarious, and other times just plain endearing. Thomas Haden Churchs drops comments with "Avuncular”, “Tendril of Obviouscation” and “Firm of Haunch” like a freshman in college trying to impress his girlfriend.

The actors compete with self-mocking descriptions of themselves and others. For example, when describing Giamatti and Madsen, they call the former "boyishly jowly" and the latter "bejugged and brainy." Many other comments focus on their middle-aged flaws - Church, at one point, goes over descriptions of his own ass, such as "like two pillows filled with milk".

Here is some other sample witty commentary:

Paul Giamatti: Isn't it interesting that the first thing you see me doing is lying, in this picture, and a picture about lying isn't it?
Thomas Haden Church: It is in fact a picture laden with canards as the great Samuel Beckett would have reckoned.

PG: Who's that handsome fellow in the background?
THC: There I am in my thickened middle-aged...
PG: Craggy leathery...
THC: My fertile crescent of middle-aged doughy-ness
PG: You're the young Lee Marvin here, I like to think.
THC: My head, the width of my head is always surpassed by the girth of my belly.
PG: Oh, I think I've got you beat in the belly department.

THC: You know what I've noticed in this scene? How many times I scratch my face.
PG: I hadn't noticed, I'll watch for it next time.
THC: Like facial tourettes. I'm constantly rubbing like I have a rash.
PG: If I was you I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off myself either. I would be fondling my craggy features.

As Miles and Jack are walking towards The Hitching Post for a night of drinking wine:
PG: I'm working on a pair of perky man breasts aren't I?
THC: You do have man cans of the first order that America is enjoying as we speak.
PG: It is my gift to America, frankly.

As Miles and Jack are leaving The Hitching Post after a night of drinking wine, Giamatti comments on how low his pants are riding:
PG: I don't know where my ass begins and my lower spine ends.
THC: It looks like the north face of K2
PG: non-interrupted, smooth connection from spine to glutious
THC: and any minute little gnomes will rappel down your backside...
PG: ...and nestle in the warm downy hair,
THC: ...that sits atop your fleshy French scoops.

THC: You're the underwood deviled hammed guy of incredulity in this scene.
PG: I need a pitchfork.
THC: All you need is a trident

As Virginia Madsen's character comes to their table, Thomas Haden Church points out what he is looking at in the scene:
THC: Now I make a very pointed, downward glance, watch...I will stare directly at her breasts. I get monocular at that moment.
PG: The old orbits just settle in for a good long drink of that.
THC: And there, going even farther south of the border.